“A star is born”… or, at least, “Something like a star.”
I had wonderful, exciting plans for the weekend – I would travel, I would make money, I would socialize. Then, due to figurative and literal whirlwinds, all of my plans fell through. Yet I am grateful. When I have a free weekend, I actually allow myself to relax and to just be. It’s as if, starting yesterday (Saturday), I am coming out on the other side of something, making a shift, opening and walking through a new door.
I have reveled in chaos for so long. As a child, I used to love amusement park rides ~ my favorite was called “The Scrambler.” Centrifugal force smashed me against the side of a compartment, feet and arms dangling around the safety bar, as I was gleefully tossed and became utterly disoriented. I’d scream and laugh to my heart’s delight. I still love amusement parks, but I realize I would no longer return again and again as many times as I was allowed to ride. There is a time and a place for disorientation, in doses. It shocked me to discover that I now long for a nest, a plan, a trusted network, and stability. My hunger for thrills has become satiable.
I am searching for serenity, absolution, and openness. I will not be able to achieve these states of mind without leaving other (less helpful) modes behind. I am in-between, fighting through rough waters to either get to shore or to cross that barrier into open sea. I’m not sure which it is yet. But there is something unfinished.
I am very much afraid of rejection, of hurting others, of mis-stepping. I do not trust the unknown – I am wary that there may be danger or evil lurking beneath the surface. There are many temptations and it is often difficult to see which I opt into of my own free will and which are luring me, holding me back, keeping me a slave. There is no such thing as pure freedom. We all have intricate ties to the people and the world around us. I do not want to be spurned or isolated, and a solitary path would not truly help me to achieve my goals (I don’t think…?). Even still. I have been warned over and over that, if I am indeed a leader and a visionary, it could be a very lonely journey. I will have to deal with rejection, betrayal, dissent, competition, and conflict. But over and over I keep making the same choice: I must proceed. I am driven.
“Choose Something Like a Star”
by Robert Frost (1916)
O Star (the fairest one in sight),
We grant your loftiness the right
To some obscurity of cloud
It will not do to say of night,
Since dark is what brings out your light.
Some mystery becomes the proud.
But to be wholly taciturn
In your reserve is not allowed.
Say something to us we can learn
By heart and when alone repeat.
Say something! And it says “I burn.”
But say with what degree of heat.
Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade.
Use language we can comprehend.
Tell us what elements you blend.
It gives us strangely little aid,
But does tell something in the end.
And steadfast as Keats’ Eremite,
Not even stooping from its sphere,
It asks a little of us here.
It asks of us a certain height,
So when at times the mob is swayed
To carry praise or blame too far,
We may choose something like a star
To stay our minds on and be staid.