“To boldly go…”

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4/10/18

I have been journaling regularly but, until now, I’ve been avoiding compiling, editing, or posting what I write. Instead, I’ve tried to focus on the creative process and let things flow, take my time, learn along the way. I’m enjoying the journey. So far, I’ve discovered two dominant themes:

  • Balance (action vs. stillness, positive vs. negative, feminine vs. masculine, both sides of the coin are necessary)
  • Rebirth (chapter ending, new beginnings, spring)

In light of those themes, enjoy the excerpts below!

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1/28/18

Realized I make a decision almost every morning – Earl Grey or English Breakfast tea? The former, I think, is if I feel contemplative or in need of soothing. The latter is bold. Make of that what you will.

“Entrepreneur” in French originally, in a way, means “undertaker.” It usually meant someone who organized a musical institution and took on a lot of financial risk to do so. Entrepreneurship is seen as a volatile and chancy endeavor, just as likely to fail as it is to succeed.

 

2/8/18

“Confidence has nothing to do with being better than anybody else. It is knowing I’m a better version of myself today than I was yesterday.” – ESG

 

2/22/18

Has it been considered that maybe god/God is young? Like our higher power came into being only just before humans did, and that is why there was no religious consciousness before we were sentient?

 

2/25/18

Lately, it’s felt like my technology is sentient, like my current computer has all of the memories of my Macs and my first iPod ’til now. It definitely seems like my iTunes on my laptop communicates with my iPod and it’s a little creepy, in a good way 🙂

And why not? Macs are fairly adaptive and intuitive. Why wouldn’t my Mac system remember all of the things I’ve done before? And furthermore, why wouldn’t it learn from it? I think perhaps it would.

 

3/5/18

I feel like everybody’s vying for my attention. Like everyone wants me to listen to them, to buy something from them, to prioritize them. But I will decide my own destiny (*brings fist down to chest, in a “yesss” motion*)!

Also feel like I am moving out of my grey phase – I was wearing grey almost every day for a couple of months and I’m glad I’m getting some color back.

 

3/16/18

[inspired by Stephen Hawking passing on 3/14/18]

“Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.” ~ Star Trek: The Next Generation

 

This one change – from “no man” to “no one” from the original Star Trek to Star Trek: The Next Generation – meant so much to me as a child. I still get teary-eyed when I hear Patrick Stewart say the words.

 

The common idea of “progress” for man is like climbing uphill pushing a rock. You’re working to hit the top of the hill but then you are destined to fall again.

But it doesn’t have to be pushing a rock – it could just be hiking, with all of your best gear and the lungs in your chest and your strong legs, upwards. There are ups and downs and high plateaus where you could look down on the world below. It’s beautiful, and it’s all perspective.

Maybe this is just like our galaxy. Instead of being an insurmountable task to travel from one place to another by distance, maybe we should think of getting there on another level. We’re all looking from different perspectives – we need to find a wavelength that is the equivalent of “standing on the ground” together, looking each other in the eye. I like that idea.

 

3/27/18

Watched The Lobster last night. Excellent film on par with Holy Motors, Naked Lunch, Barton Fink, Upstream Color, Melancholia, etc. Totally weird, upsetting, and fresh. My favorite line from the film was “I figure it’s easier to pretend you have no feelings when you have them than to pretend you have feelings when you have none.” Colin Farrell’s character decides to change himself to suit a woman with no feelings and ends up not being able to cut it because he shows emotion after she kicks his brother (in the form of a dog) to death.

As an actress, I was thinking about how wrong that statement is. I can easily make up emotions, but to hold them back and bottle them up is painful and dangerous. As shown in the film, not only for yourself but for other people as well. I wonder what kind of an animal he turned that Lady Without Feelings into…

Been meditating on the idea of relinquishing control lately. Not everything is my fault, not everything can be prevented. I cannot fix everything. It is not my responsibility or duty.

 

3/28/18

Trying to fight the intense urge lately to always be productive. It’s hard to avoid – like a siren call.

 

4/6/18

I think I’m learning to take things in stride – to see challenges as opportunities. But I’m also avoiding difficult situations, retreating inward and trying to work them out myself rather than going to the source. Perhaps I need to organize my thoughts first before I confront someone, because otherwise I don’t make enough sense? I need to emerge eventually.

I feel like I am coming up against a rebirth of sorts. Like I will be shedding a skin and becoming something new and exciting, but in doing so I have to leave old, comfortable habits behind. Am I ready?

There’s only so much I can do to be ready, after all! As many wise people have said to me, I must be patient. I must be still. I must allow events to unfold in their time and not rush anything. I must trust myself to deal with questions when they arise and not feel the need to anticipate. I can dictate what I do or don’t allow to distract me from my quest.

 

4/7/18

ANGEL:

Greetings, Prophet;

The Great Work begins:

The Messenger has arrived.

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ANGEL:

Look up, look up,

It is Not-to-Be Time.

Oh who asks of the Orders Blessing

With Apocalypse Descending?

Who demands: More Life?

When Death like a Protector

Blinds our eyes, shielding from tender nerve

More horror than can be borne.

Let any Being on whom Fortune smiles

Creep away to Death

Before that last dreadful daybreak

When all your ravaging returns to you

With the rising, scorching, unrelenting Sun:

When morning blisters crimson

And bears all life away,

A tidal wave of Protean Fire

That curls around the planet

And bares the Earth clean as bone.

 

(Pause.)

 

PRIOR:

Still. But still. Bless me anyway. I want more life. I can’t help myself. I do.

~ Tony Kushner, Angels in America